If it weren’t for love, would we even be ourselves?
I think humans are built to chase that ecstatic feeling called love. But there’s also this one thing about love: no matter how many heartbreaks you have had, you still go after it. And you will continue to do so until you find it; but what happens afterward?
However, it is only on certain days that my body craves love, someone to hold me when I am feeling low. It all comes with its own set of complications, complications that right now I find frivolous to deal with. On other days, I feel gruntled to be by myself. The abundance of work and the idea of educating myself consume my mind. It’s pleasing when I put myself first.
Even after several heartbreaks, we look for love. Isn’t it the same with friends?
After being betrayed by plenty of people, we look for new people to share our life with. We feel humbled in the presence of other humans. We look for affection, one way or the other, that is, it doesn’t have to be romantic.
Let’s get back to the romantic intimacy that I pine for. It is only in the daytime that I put on a mask that disguises my true emotions like I am stolid. However, the night brings back the loneliness that I try to outrun all day long. In the night, when I am all by myself, this feeling arises, a feeling that I will die trying to describe but don’t keep your hopes up because it is likely that I will fail.
When I’m alone, I get this feeling in my stomach like it’s churning, as if someone is eating it from the inside and my heart starts to burn like it’s on fire. My feet feel a million miles away as if they cease to exist. Between all the stomach-churning and the heart burning, I close my eyes and try to find solace in the scenarios that I have created inside my head. One of them, in particular, is enticing and it is my favourite.
I imagine us naked, our bodies wrapped around each other and we are utterly still, enjoying the intimacy that exists only inside my head. It is funny how I let my imagination run this wild while I can’t even dare to tell people how I feel about them, while you cease to exist in reality but only inside my head.
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Hi! I am Simran Tuteja. I am a twenty-year-old undergraduate student majoring in Mathematics from the University of Delhi. In 2019, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorder and that is when I started writing. I am a writer for The Teen Magazine and DamnFitt magazine. I also have a WordPress blog.