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Nice Try, Vaasu!

Editor: Mrinali :

Photo by Frank Cone on Pexels.com

Last night, I had an uncanny and eerie premonition of an imminent disaster- I had stepped into the shoes of whom I despised so much and I suddenly was living their life. Phew! Quite intimidating. It was him – the volcanic, voracious Vaasu. The sycophantic Vaasu. Evidently, Vaasu was polyonymous. A reflective evidence of how much I loathed that melodramatic himbo.

In our continued existence, we often come across Neanderthals who’re conceited and abrasive in their behavior. I opine that being disrespectful to others and insulting them shows the weakness of one’s character. Also, a strong indicator of lack of self respect. But of course, Vaasu doesn’t give a crap. He is an ill-bred monster pain in the ass and definitely not the one you could get to apologize. He would still continue to hurt as many folks as he can, infuriating them in the process. Vaasu, you surely deserve my eyeball rolls and groans only. And like everyday I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today too. It’s plain and unadorned. I hate you. And, I mean it with all my being. Oh lard-ass! You’re required to have a better code of conduct and some basic etiquette. (Warning! I’m one of those brutes who could murder you and leave no trace of evidence behind.)

Eons ago, Vaasu was born a beautiful baby which grew up only to become another Free Willy. As far as one can see, Vaasu is a potato – a bespectacled couch potato. He has his hair down to his shoulders with thick side whiskers. Indisputably, he is made of blood, bones, organs, meat, skin, hair,  nails, water, proteins and mostly fat. Of course, adipose tissues were inevitable for the hard-workers. But for Free Willy?

Needless to say, Vaasu has a huge appetite and is an enthusiastic devourer. He has particularly mastered the art of selfish binge eating. Was he adept at farting too? I wonder. Like the crackers that sounded BLAARPP… BLAARPP or the silent ones with fetid vapors?

 Furthermore, Vaasu is a heavy alcoholic too – a heart full of love, a belly full of vodka! 

Me: Hey! Vaasu, how drunk are you at the moment? 

Vaasu : Well, I can make it across the room without spilling a drop of my vodka.

 I am surprised … Wait! No, I’m not.

While self-help books and motivational speakers around the world speak volumes and volumes on Emotional Quotient (EQ) and engaging oneself in self-deprecating humor, to Vaasu it all seems gibberish and far-fetched. Little does he realize that laughing at one’s imperfections helps to identify them, rectify them and move on. He is forever focussed on impeccably polishing his image. The false impression of reality. I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I saw something that resembles you today and I flushed it.

Double flushed. Additionally, Vaasu is never agonistic (not even verbally!) being bird-brained. Being a nitwit came with its own set of cons for Vaasu. For starters, he is an easy target for bullying which most people enjoy and he strongly detests. Secondly, being diffident he is constantly side-stepping to the staggering opinions of those around him, especially his reckless family members. 

Even with those multiple layers of adipose tissues he is often thin skinned i.e extremely sensitive to criticism. He often acts as though the whole world is against him. So, how does he vent out these frustrations? l’esprit de l’escalier or a good comeback. It’s hilarious how at times he rises up like a Phoenix bird to toss a put-down humour to ridicule someone – probably younger to him. Be warned! He might even snap at you for the silliest reasons. Zero empathy. Vaasu! I presume you have an Achilles heel which you hold up like a shield to cover-up your vulnerabilities.

There’s another thing too. Vaasu hates it when the focus is on others and is an ardent attention seeker. At times, he does take pleasure in the achievements of the people he knows, as he loves to sun himself in the glory of being associated with them. 

Cheers to Charles Derber! I can label you a ‘conversational narcissist’ thanks to him. Anytime there is a discussion, it needs to be only about the one and only VAASU! During get togethers, even if someone speaks about some incident that happened years ago, he finds a way to steer the conversation back to something related to him. I am no astrophysicist but BREAKING NEWS : The earth revolves around the Sun and not you! Ofcourse I’m damn sure.

Vaasu, an energy vampire is definitely a toxic cocktail mix of negativity. I often wonder how can people survive with all these stuff inside. He can literally lick the life out of you. You tantamount to everybody’s Monday. Nobody likes you man! So, let’s just cut our ties. Let’s distance ourselves. Your absence would definitely be of great help. All mistakes are fixable except you. I really envy people who haven’t met you yet. Don’t be mad but … not everyone wants to be in your shoes. At least not me! It scares me dude!

So good day to you and hope you will go really far someday. Just stay there itself alright! And I wasn’t kidding. (Wink!)

Hey there dear reader, hope you enjoyed reading this story. Comment and like this story if you would like to read more such stories from the author. And don’t forget to share this story and your social media channels.

Dear readers, I am Pooja Warrier, at least thats what my birth certificate says !

Since I failed miserably in finding a magical gemstone, I am an HR Generalist who works to earn a dime . As a creative writer, I have published a couple of articles on The ArmChair Journal and also coauthored some anthologies.

Roles I juggle on the personal front : an unruly daughter, a pestering wife, a nagging mother and an overprotective elder sister. I admit having a somewhat unhealthy obsession with dancing, sketching and drawing. Would that be enough?

Or, do you want to know more?

If yes, do drop me a line anytime : poojaes@gmail.com

Whatsapp me on : 8891438234

Facebook – Pooja Warrier

LinkedIn- Pooja Warrier


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